Why Am I Depressed and Not Happy? What Is Wrong With Me?

Why I am depressed?

Do you really want to know?

Just a quick disclaimer. I am not a medical doctor, and this blog post is my observation and personal reflection on what so-called “depression” really is…

So many of us, I included, faced this emotion very closely. And many of us fell into this so deep… that at times it might have felt like there is no end to this state of existence.

I am here to let you know, just like you can heal a broken bone, you can recover your mind from this suffering state. I believe depression is not a sickness or disease at all…

Some of you might feel uncomfortable at first reading this…  And maybe even unease as you start realizing that you are so powerful and responsible for your own health and recovery.

But what’s worse?

1. Knowing that you are in charge and can heal yourself or

2. Feeling even more discouraged and hopeless because your therapist can’t see you this week or your medications, just not helping you any longer…

Depression = Suppression

Somehow during our early childhood, we forgot how to properly separate our minds from an event or situation that is already over.

We overlooked that life happens in this moment only – the present moment. Not yesterday, not when you were three or six yrs old, but it’s right now – as you reading this line…

We learned to operate our minds in the past life or living in the future. And completely forgot how to live… Right now.

Right now – is the only moment from which you can create. If you create from the moment of panic (when you are depressed) you get more of the same…

This vicious cycle you create and play over and over in your head, Western medicine calls it “depression.”

This type of learned behavior keeps you stuck in the suppressed or unsatisfied state. You either feel sorry for what had happened or feeling scarred for the coming days… completely forgetting to live in the real moment.

We can drive our selves crazy for years, giving our life and health into the hands of “medical professionals” who don’t understand (yet) that our body can ultimately heal itself…

“Depression” is just a fancy name for the uncomfortable/undesirable suppressed feeling caused by stuck energy that needs to be felt and released. And YOU the only ONE who can do this! Not your doctor or even your mom.:)

Depression = Suppression,  it can’t survive in the mind that doesn’t judge the past … as well as it can’t reside in the brain that’s not fixated with needing to foretell the future! 

Stop Figuring out the “Why”

Your therapist is trying to figure out the “Why.”  Continuously digging and prying into your past…  you might feel some relief for some time… but further, become reliant on him/her even more.

Seriously,  do you really need to know “Why”?

Do you think it will solve your “depression”? Most definitely, Not… then why not to create a new habit of not needing to figure out the “why”!?

The more you try to figure out the “why,” “get rid off,” or” run away” from it, the more of that you will get… More Suppression!

Stop figuring out “why” you have it or “how” you got it!

You are just doing yourself a massive disservice by playing these loops over and over…  by wanting to know  “Why” is ultimately disempowering your strength to heal.

You can continue this wicked cycle all your life and try to figure out “what is wrong with me.” Don’t waste your precious time… you are not broken!

Put Away Your “Lens of Judgment”

When you get into the state of “darkness,” notice where your mind occupies its space… Is it in the stories and memories or is in the future … making up more imaginary crises?

Pay close attention and observe your mind, allow your presence to be there in the moment without any labels or judgment, just like you would look at the innocent child who is scared and needs your hug.

When you finally get comfortable being inside our own body and learn to set aside your “lens of judgment” every time you get triggered by the past events… Your life will take on a new meaning, and you will rise from the “dark moments.”

You will understand that your so-called “depression” was not your enemy at all, but a gateway and invitation to find out your true self… the self you always pushed away and was afraid to express fully… Your inner child crying out to be seen and understood…

Stop Ignoring your one-year-old

Think about it … When you feel depressed and lonely, what do you usually tend to do? You probably feel a need to isolate yourself…  because intuitively you know that you need to reconnect with that forgotten you… So stop avoiding your fears and don’t be afraid to sit down with your emotions “one on one” and listen without judgment!

Depression is life’s way of letting us know that we need to stop and look deep within… It’s our invitation to look into our fears and finally face them even if it’s scary and disturbing.

Ignoring or suppressing your depression is like neglecting your precious one-year-old child, who is asking for your love and attention.

Take Control and Be Mindful

If not careful, depression can easily be intensified by poor diet, stress, and lack of rest.

Promise yourself always to replenish your body with the right diet, be mindful of your thoughts, let go of the judgment, allow more time for rest, surround yourself with activities and people you love the most.

Your health is in your hands, my friend. No doctor can heal your “depression.” He can try to mask it but never heal it.

You are a powerful healer, and you are your doctor. You know what needs to be done. You know where you have poor habits that need attention. Step out of the denial because you can only expect to get better by taking complete responsibility for your health.

Clean up your diet,  start incorporating mindfulness practice into your day, sit quietly with your “depression.” Don’t try to get rid of it,  mask it, or figure it out… Love it for what it is! Like you would love that little 1-year-old, who’s asking for your love and attention.

Would you get upset and anxious at one-year-old for needing love and attention? I assume, not. Then why are you beating yourself up?

You can fully understand only when you listen – without any judgment… and you can completely heal when you finally allow it to be.


You deserve to live a full life Now… Free yourself from your past crippling stories and beliefs. It’s called past for a reason so that it can be released.


XX and Love,

Irina Kirilyuk



*Disclaimer: I am not a medical doctor. All suggestions in this article are my own opinions and my research that helped me in my personal life. Please seek professional advice if you feel like you are experiencing deep depression and need medical intervention.

If you are looking for practical Mindfulness Exercises that you can implement in your life today – check out this Free 40-day Mindfulness journey program.

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Have you ever blamed someone for hurting your feelings?

Most likely… Right?

But have you ever wondered, how you learned to allow others, to affect your emotions?

Sometimes we forget to pause and think; instead… we respond to the situations on autopilot.

When your emotions have an impact, it’s hard to take charge and not let emotions destroy you.

Are you guilty of living in the “victim” mode?

Identifying False Beliefs

First, you need to accept that you have bought into the wrong set of beliefs and views that are no longer benefiting you…

Realizing that you are in charge is one of the freeing feelings you can possess.

You are in control, and you are … the gatekeeper to your emotions.

You can let hurtful words of others hit you like a brick and injure you, or you can take the block out of their hands and use it – to build the life you love...

What do I mean by that?

You Get to Interpret the message…

Words on its own are just that! Words…

They can’t hurt you or me; they require our assistance.

In order to get triggered by the words, first, we must attach mining to the message.

When your ego gets hurt, pay close attention…

Pay close attention to the meaning and significance you are attaching to the message.

What emotions are getting triggered and confused?

Remember, you get to interpret the words of others!

You Get to Choose!

Our past will always try to control how we respond to situations today. Old trauma and pain, we carry over the years, have a lot to do with the meaning we attach to the messages today.

How crazy is that!

Holding on to old disappointments and misfortunes will only bring alike.

You are the only one who can choose to identify the triggers and let old trauma and guilt fall away.

Determine how you are going to let others influence your emotions.

End the blame game and initiate the opportunity to start accepting responsibility for your choices…

Forgive them as they didn’t know how they got swayed by the misleading beliefs they acquired… Forgive and let go!

You get to choose how to act and how to react in any given situation.

Choose wisely!



Irina Kirilyuk


P.S. you are in control of your emotions...  :)


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